Okay, back to devotional stuff. I'll deal with my stupid staff later.
On the topic of false teachers, Jude 11 says, "Woe to them! For they walked in the way of Cain and abandoned themselves for the sake of gain to Balaam's error..."
For a moment, a fleeting moment, as I first read this, I wondered, "What's wrong with wanting to "gain" as a teacher?"
Because I am certain that God wants to bless true teachers with gain in terms of great wealth and riches! I mean....look at me, for instance!
Well, after meditating on this, I have gotten a revelation and decided that when it talks about Balaam's "gain," it isn't talking about monetary gain at all. No, it's talking about weight-gain.
That's right. There are some teachers out there who "abandon themselves" (meaning, they've really "let themselves go") and have packed on the pounds. They've gained a ton of weight.
All you have to do to see this is catch one my Lakewood Church services on television and then go and watch a show with that rat-bastard Kenneth (the Pagan) Hagin. Ha! I'm not lying here: I just now made up that rhyme. Praise God! Whooooooooo! I've got goose-bumps all over in the Spirit on that one. Kenneth Pagan! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.....
Anyway, you look at us: there I am, all trim and slim. I have not abandoned this temple of God to unrighteous "gain." Then, take a look at ol' Pile-O-Pudge Kenneth Pagan. What further proof do you need to show you who is actually the true prophet of God here, and who has gone the way of Balaam. That's obviously why Balaam was riding his donkey that one time: he was too fat to walk under his own power. God just now told me. Thank you, Jesus!
Thought for the day: Kenneth Pagan is fat as a pig.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The Plot Thickens
Now I find out that my staff is planning to give away free copies of my newest book on our new airline which nobody told me about.
That really tears it. I have been too slack with them. Someone is trying to destroy me, by attacking my income here. First they build this secret fleet of jets and now they're giving away my stuff.
But that is starting to change. I just fired Heloise, the 63 year old Director of Infant and Toddler Ministries at Lakewood Church.
We passed each other in the hall. She said, "Hi, pastor! How's your day?"
I stopped abruptly and demanded, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
She tried to look all innocent and surprised. "N- Nothing, pastor. I, I just asked how your day is going..."
I cut her off and yelled, "And you must think I'm stupid, huh?"
This one got to her. She obviously knew that I had caught on to her, because she backed away and began to tremble. She kept opening her mouth to say something but then would just stutter and look all flustered.
Well, I want to tell you that I got right in her face and pointed my finger right at her nose and I let her have it! Praise God!
I bellowed, "How's your day? How's your day!! Your day?"
Now all she could do was nod. Tears were forming in her old, wrinkly eyes.
"So!" I kept yelling, "You must think I'm a real idiot to not be able to break that little code! You must think you're sooooo clever! YOUR DAY? As in 'This is Your Day!' As in the daily show of that rat-bastard, Benny Hinn, eh? Eh?"
Well, I don't have to tell you that she started crying all over the place and trying to deny it. She said she was sorry, and I said, "You're sorry you got caught, you mean, you rickety old double agent! Get out! Now! You're fired!"
And then, as she was sprinting out the door, crying like a baby, I yelled to her, "And tell that foreign jerk charlatan you're working for that I'm onto him, and that he better not get any of his towel-headed friends to try and blow up my new airplanes! Ha!!"
That really tears it. I have been too slack with them. Someone is trying to destroy me, by attacking my income here. First they build this secret fleet of jets and now they're giving away my stuff.
But that is starting to change. I just fired Heloise, the 63 year old Director of Infant and Toddler Ministries at Lakewood Church.
We passed each other in the hall. She said, "Hi, pastor! How's your day?"
I stopped abruptly and demanded, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
She tried to look all innocent and surprised. "N- Nothing, pastor. I, I just asked how your day is going..."
I cut her off and yelled, "And you must think I'm stupid, huh?"
This one got to her. She obviously knew that I had caught on to her, because she backed away and began to tremble. She kept opening her mouth to say something but then would just stutter and look all flustered.
Well, I want to tell you that I got right in her face and pointed my finger right at her nose and I let her have it! Praise God!
I bellowed, "How's your day? How's your day!! Your day?"
Now all she could do was nod. Tears were forming in her old, wrinkly eyes.
"So!" I kept yelling, "You must think I'm a real idiot to not be able to break that little code! You must think you're sooooo clever! YOUR DAY? As in 'This is Your Day!' As in the daily show of that rat-bastard, Benny Hinn, eh? Eh?"
Well, I don't have to tell you that she started crying all over the place and trying to deny it. She said she was sorry, and I said, "You're sorry you got caught, you mean, you rickety old double agent! Get out! Now! You're fired!"
And then, as she was sprinting out the door, crying like a baby, I yelled to her, "And tell that foreign jerk charlatan you're working for that I'm onto him, and that he better not get any of his towel-headed friends to try and blow up my new airplanes! Ha!!"
Satire?
Hmmm.
I just heard someone say that article about our new airline is satire.
That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard. Satire?
Satire = The clothes you wear on Saturday. Right? Right?
How's an article about how my staff is backstabbing me supposed to be worn on the weekends?
Dang! Not only are my staff out to get me, but some of them are just flat stupid bumpkins...I hate to have to say it that way, but it's true.
I just heard someone say that article about our new airline is satire.
That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard. Satire?
Satire = The clothes you wear on Saturday. Right? Right?
How's an article about how my staff is backstabbing me supposed to be worn on the weekends?
Dang! Not only are my staff out to get me, but some of them are just flat stupid bumpkins...I hate to have to say it that way, but it's true.
Conspiracy at Lakewood
Hmmm. How come nobody told me about this?
Lord, I admit that this scares me a little. The thought that someone on my staff has apparently launched an entire stinkin' fleet of passenger jets without telling me about it....! I really thought You had put me in charge!
This is very disconcerting, is all I can say. I'm going to have to look into this. I know they all hate me secretly...all the staff. They think the only reason I'm the pastor is because my daddy left me in charge of the ultra-mega church he had built. They're still jealous that I walked into a 7-figure salary without doing anything more than graduating high school. I hear rumors that some of them say that if I was just a regular preacher out there, I'd be lucky to get hired by the Fourth Country Church of Podunk. I bet they would kill me if they thought they could get away with it.
Well, Lord Jesus, I'm not going to let them get away with it. I'm asking you to curse the staff at my church. Deliver them into my hands, that I may kill them all before they kill me.
Y'know who I really suspect? I bet there is a plant on my staff who is really being bankrolled by the Benny Hinn organization. That guy has always had it in for me, since the day we compared our monthly bill for hair care products and I had him undercut by 60%. I hear he's had all of his staff send seed-faith contributions to Lakewood so that God will bless them 100 times more than us! That little, stinkin' foreign rat-bastard! I'll show him: as soon as I post this I'm gonna write out a 50,000 dollar donation to his ministry! HA! Take that, you Middle-Eastern charlatan! And then I'm gonna write out a 100,000 dollar donation to Lakewood Church, and thus ensure that all the blessings stays in-house!!!! We'll just see whose seed-faith gift gets blessed, yessiree.
Lord, I admit that this scares me a little. The thought that someone on my staff has apparently launched an entire stinkin' fleet of passenger jets without telling me about it....! I really thought You had put me in charge!
This is very disconcerting, is all I can say. I'm going to have to look into this. I know they all hate me secretly...all the staff. They think the only reason I'm the pastor is because my daddy left me in charge of the ultra-mega church he had built. They're still jealous that I walked into a 7-figure salary without doing anything more than graduating high school. I hear rumors that some of them say that if I was just a regular preacher out there, I'd be lucky to get hired by the Fourth Country Church of Podunk. I bet they would kill me if they thought they could get away with it.
Well, Lord Jesus, I'm not going to let them get away with it. I'm asking you to curse the staff at my church. Deliver them into my hands, that I may kill them all before they kill me.
Y'know who I really suspect? I bet there is a plant on my staff who is really being bankrolled by the Benny Hinn organization. That guy has always had it in for me, since the day we compared our monthly bill for hair care products and I had him undercut by 60%. I hear he's had all of his staff send seed-faith contributions to Lakewood so that God will bless them 100 times more than us! That little, stinkin' foreign rat-bastard! I'll show him: as soon as I post this I'm gonna write out a 50,000 dollar donation to his ministry! HA! Take that, you Middle-Eastern charlatan! And then I'm gonna write out a 100,000 dollar donation to Lakewood Church, and thus ensure that all the blessings stays in-house!!!! We'll just see whose seed-faith gift gets blessed, yessiree.
Death is Precious?
Psalms 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
I have no idea what this means. I'm thinking something's been incorrectly translated here. As many of you know, we are hard at work on the Smiling Preacher's Study Bible, which will utilize the new POS (Positive Outlook for Success) Version, developed right here at Lakewood.
Note to self: Recommend to the POS translation committee that we go with something like the following ideas in order to fix the obvious error above.
"Very, very sad in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."
"A lot like poo-poo in the sight of the Lord..."
"Really stinky in the sight of the Lord..."
Or, we could fix the last bit, instead of changing "precious":
"...of the Lord is the abundant life of his saints."
No, wait! I've got it: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the Best Life Now of his saints."
This still doesn't resonate with my spirit, though. God, I know you desire the best life now for your saints; but I also know you want everyone to have their best lives now. Saint or not.
Okay, how's this, then? "Precious in the sight of the Lord is everyone in the world having their Best Life Now."
I'm feelin' it, oh yes. I'm getting a witness now. That's good, praise God.
---------------
Oh, man, five minutes later now. I just happened to look up and see that rat-bastard Rick Warren on the news channel. What a poser! Ha! He just can't get over the fact that I trumpted his behind like I did. Which would you rather have, a stupid, dorky Purpose Driven Life, or Your Best Life?
Ha! I thought so. That charlatan should just give it up. It's obvious that Jesus likes me more. I could out-preach Rick Warren with one tongue tied behind my back. Hey, I just thought of something: Warren rhymes with boring, sort of. Wait! No, you've got to pronounce it like "borin." Ha, ha, praise God. Rick Warren is Borin' !! Rick Borin'. Oh man, my spirit is gettin' blessed so good right now! Ha, ha!
Whooooo! I better stop before I just float on up to heaven. Thank you, Jesus!
Thought for the day: Precious in the sight of the Lord is Joel Osteen...but not Rick Borin'!!
I have no idea what this means. I'm thinking something's been incorrectly translated here. As many of you know, we are hard at work on the Smiling Preacher's Study Bible, which will utilize the new POS (Positive Outlook for Success) Version, developed right here at Lakewood.
Note to self: Recommend to the POS translation committee that we go with something like the following ideas in order to fix the obvious error above.
"Very, very sad in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."
"A lot like poo-poo in the sight of the Lord..."
"Really stinky in the sight of the Lord..."
Or, we could fix the last bit, instead of changing "precious":
"...of the Lord is the abundant life of his saints."
No, wait! I've got it: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the Best Life Now of his saints."
This still doesn't resonate with my spirit, though. God, I know you desire the best life now for your saints; but I also know you want everyone to have their best lives now. Saint or not.
Okay, how's this, then? "Precious in the sight of the Lord is everyone in the world having their Best Life Now."
I'm feelin' it, oh yes. I'm getting a witness now. That's good, praise God.
---------------
Oh, man, five minutes later now. I just happened to look up and see that rat-bastard Rick Warren on the news channel. What a poser! Ha! He just can't get over the fact that I trumpted his behind like I did. Which would you rather have, a stupid, dorky Purpose Driven Life, or Your Best Life?
Ha! I thought so. That charlatan should just give it up. It's obvious that Jesus likes me more. I could out-preach Rick Warren with one tongue tied behind my back. Hey, I just thought of something: Warren rhymes with boring, sort of. Wait! No, you've got to pronounce it like "borin." Ha, ha, praise God. Rick Warren is Borin' !! Rick Borin'. Oh man, my spirit is gettin' blessed so good right now! Ha, ha!
Whooooo! I better stop before I just float on up to heaven. Thank you, Jesus!
Thought for the day: Precious in the sight of the Lord is Joel Osteen...but not Rick Borin'!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
